Vale's Climate Catastrophe
by TheNinthCircleofHell
Summary: The adepts confront the Wise One in a showdown over his latest scheme - Global Warming! Yet another one-shot crack-fic. Yes, I'm aware I'm lacking a sense of variety here. -Crack-


My second fic is up! Against my better judgment, it's the exact same genre as my first fic. I just couldn't be bothered to write up a chapter or two of _Isolation_ first before posting this. This also took an age to write, mainly because I'm the kind of guy who can get mental blocks while trying to think of what the author's note should be. Which is what happened.

Disclaimer: I don't own Golden Sun, Camelot does. The pure awesomeness of owning Golden Sun would cause the explosion of one of my vital organs.

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Vale's Climate Catastrophe

It was a bright, hot day in Vale. Too hot. Blisteringly hot. The adepts were taking shelter under the largest tree they could find, discussing about the abnormal weather.

"Personally, I think that it's great!" exclaimed Garet. "What are you guys all complaining about?"

"Water..." Piers was trying to drag his dehydrated body to the nearest water source. Everybody ignored him, excluding Jenna and Sheba who were making bets on how far he'd get before he collapsed.

"Well," Isaac pointed out. "The temperature hasn't dropped once in the last month, and considering we're going into winter I'd say that it's something to worry about."

"It's killing all of Vale's crops." Mia added in, pointing to the fields that contained the withered, dying plants.

Garet snorted. "Eh, I hate vegetables anyway."

"What about Kay's flower garden?" asked Ivan.

Garet went silent.

"Um.... Garet?"

Isaac explained. "She's become a _little_ more protective of her flowers. No one can get near the house. Garet's dad tried and almost got stabbed by a hoe."

They all stared into Kay's garden which was easily visible from where they were talking. There, Kay was desperately trying to cool down her plants with a fan she had found.

"She's been fanning down those flowers non-stop since this morning." said Garet sadly.

Ivan raised an eyebrow. "Don't her arms get tired?"

"Uhh..... no."

Jenna looked up from Pier's painfully slow struggle to the river. "Anyway, what do you guys reckon is causing all this heat?"

"I have a theory," Kraden walked out from behind a nearby bush.

The adepts turned to face him.

"Have you been watching us the whole time?" demanded Felix.

"Oh yes," Kraden murmured in a creepy way. His eyes stroked Jenna's body.

"Um....okay.... so what's this theory of yours then?" asked Felix.

"So young..." Kraden drooled.

Everyone stared at him.

"I mean.... yes..... right.... my theory is-"

"GLOBAL WARMING!!!"

Alex warped into existence, cutting Kraden off.

"It's the Wise One, it's gone crazy and has been trying to burn everyone to death!"

"I knew it was that creepy rock!" Garet exclaimed.

"Where is it?" asked Felix. "We need to find it and get it to stop!"

"Well," Alex explained. "I've been searching and the only place in Weyard it could be is... the inn in Vale!"

Isaac stared at Alex. "Wait a second, you mean you've searched every other place on Weyard that the Wise One could be?"

"Yep."

"Didn't that take a while?"

"Yep."

"Including all our rooms?"

"Yep."

"Isn't that sort of creepy?"

"Very much so... by the way Jenna, very nice set of panties you got there."

"Thanks,"

"Why is it okay for him to say that?" complained Garet.

"It's because he has perfect hair, now shut up!"

Garet grumbled and turned away. Felix whipped around and grabbed Garet aggressively by the shirt.

"Have you been checking out my sister?" he growled.

Garet pointed at Alex and shouted "What the hell's wrong with you!? He just openly commented about your sister's fricking underwear and you grab me?"

Isaac walked up to them. "Okay guys, break it up and..... hey, where did Mia go?"

The adepts looked around. She was nowhere in sight.

"Strange," muttered Isaac. "She was just here a minute ago...."

Suddenly, Mia leapt out of the tree they were resting under clutching a knife.

"YOU'RE DEAD, ALEX!" she yelled out triumphantly.

Alex sidestepped left and Mia ended up knifing Kraden in the eye.

"YOU PLANNED FOR THAT YOU SCHEMING, CLAN-ABANDONING BARSTARD!!" her wails of fury easily blotted out Kraden's screams of pain.

"To the Vale inn, before Mia tries to murder Alex again." said Isaac, watching Mia fruitlessly attempt to pull her knife out of Kraden's surprisingly hard head. "Who's coming?"

"I'll come," said Felix.

"Same with us," echoed Garet and Ivan.

"Oi, Jenna, Piers, Sheba," Garet called out. "You guys should come too."

"Nah, this is getting tense."

Piers was getting much further than Jenna had anticipated and she was starting to look worried.

"Fine, see you guys later."

Isaac, Garet, Alex, Felix, and Ivan ran off. On the way to the inn, Garet came up to Isaac.

"Hey, what did they say they were betting on again?

-----------------------------------------

"Come on, Piers! Just a little further!" Sheba tried enticing him by placing a glass of water just out of his reach.

"Oh no you don't! DRAGON FUME!" Jenna sent a massive arc of fire psyenergy towards Piers in the shape of a dragon. It collided into him and, screaming in pain, he collapsed where he was.

"...... Jenna, I think you killed him."

"Quiet loser and give me my money!"

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The adepts dashed up to the reception desk of the inn. Alex slammed his hands down.

"Has the Wise One booked a room here?"

The woman at the counter opened up a thick book and checked.

"Yes, the Wise One has made a booking. He should be up in room two."

"Let's go!"

The adepts ran up the stairs towards room two. Felix moved up to the door.

"Well, here goes nothing."

He opened it and the adepts stepped into the room.

"It's about time somebody showed up. I was beginning to think that nobody would care if this world was burnt to ashes."

There it was, sinisterly floating in the centre of the empty room. The Wise One.

"Okay, Wise One," shouted Isaac, looking around the room. "Tell us how you've been heating up Weyard!"

The Wise One gave an evil chuckle.

"I've been using my psyenergy to."

Isaac stared.

"That's all?"

"Simple, isn't it?"

"So there's no elaborate doomsday device or anything?"

"Nope."

"Oh."

"The author was way too uncreative to come up with a real reason."

Ivan pointed at the Wise One. "Author? What author? You're crazy!"

"We have to take him out now!" yelled Felix

The Wise One sighed. "And here we go again; the writer has let only one character be aware of them, resulting in the remaining characters to label that one as crazy."

The Wise One looked away in a sad sort of way, reminiscing over all the overused techniques and situations used in fanfiction. Then Garet ran up to it and shoved his overly pointy hair into the Wise One's eye.

The Wise One jerked back in pain. "What the hell was that for?"

"Uh.... for being the cause of global warming?"

"Oh right, the actual plot..... Well then!" The Wise One raised it's voice. "Pathetic humans, you have no hope of being able to best me! Nobody can stand against the pure powers I possess! I shall create a monster you cannot hope to defeat!

The Wise One rose higher into the air. The room seemed to darken slightly. Everybody could feel the powerful pulses of psyenergy as it started focussing it's power. Then it released a wave of it....... at Alex's hair.

"NO!" Alex screamed as his hair leapt off him and started twitching and morphing into a grotesque monstrosity. He rushed after it but was pulled back by Felix.

"No! Don't go near it! It looks dangerous!"

"But it's my hair!" cried Alex.

Isaac, Garet and Ivan didn't say anything; they were trying too hard not to laugh at Alex's shiny head.

The Wise One laughed spitefully. "Alex, you can choose to fight me, but in the end you'd only be harming your image!"

"You sick monster! How could you?" Alex fell to his knees and wept.

"C'mon," reassured Isaac, still trying not to laugh. "I mean, when the Wise One transformed my dad into the Doom Dragon, I still had to fight him."

"It's not the same!" shouted Alex "This is my hair we're talking about! For years I've been washing it, straightening it, perfecting it! My hairs are like my children! I even named them-"

"Guys, get back!"

Felix, Garet and Ivan ran forward and pulled Alex and Isaac out of the way as a massive spear of ice impaled the floor they just were standing on.

"We've got to get out of here!"

They ran down the stairs. As they passed by the reception, Felix shouted "You need to get out of here! Gather all the guests and escape!"

"Actually, there aren't any guests here," she replied. "You know, with Vale being the whole unwelcoming, secretive, out-of-the-way town it is...... I don't even know why we built an inn here, or how we can support ourselves."

Felix paused for a second as he contemplated. Then a section of the ceiling fell down, crushing her.

"Eh, I guess it's just one of those things you never find out," said Ivan.

The adepts dashed out of the building and turned around. The inn had been almost completely destroyed and flying about it was.... the creation. The adepts gasped. Every single strand of Alex's hair had been transformed into massive frozen spears of ice, each spear being around the same length of one of Isaac's Ragnaroks. And hovering in the middle of the maelstrom was a perfect clone of Alex made of ice.

"Holy...." Garet took a step back. The creature was so large it blotted out the sun.

"Behold! Number 4!" The Wise One pronounced.

"Number 4?" asked Isaac.

"Oh, it's the fourth time I've created a massive monstrosity bent on destroying humanity."

"That's just uncreative," stated Isaac.

"YOU'RE UNCREATIVE!" the Wise One shot back. Then it laughed crazily and flew away, leaving them to deal with the creature.

"Okay, how the hell are we going to beat this thing?" Felix asked.

Alex stepped forward.

"Leave it to me."

He looked up at what used to be his precious hair and yelled "Stop! It's me, Alex!"

Number 4 looked down at Alex, studying him. Then it stabbed him through his stomach and his leg.

"No!! Trixy, Daniel, WHY!?"

Isaac raised an eyebrow.

"He can recognise each individual strand of hair?"

Felix nodded. "Yep."

"That's really obsessive."

"You get used to it."

Alex struggled to his feet. He was traumatized.

"WHY!? Don't you remember all the good times we had togeth-"

Alex was cut short as a third spear impaled him in the throat. Ivan stared at Alex's bleeding corpse. "Didn't see that coming."

Felix looked around. "Well, we're screwed."

"Hey, wait, look at that!" Garet pointed at Number 4. It was melting! It shrieked as it started dripping away.

"Global warming is destroying the monster!" Felix exclaimed.

"Yeah! Vale's safe again!" Garet whooped and punched a fist into the air.

The adepts walked away as Number 4 harmlessly melted away.

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The adepts were sitting on the roof of Isaac's house.

"Okay, whose smart idea was it to build New Vale in a goddamn lakebed?" Jenna shouted angrily.

The water caused by Number 4 had completely flooded the entire town in freezing cold water.

"Ah well," muttered Isaac. "At least everything's back to normal."

"Besides Vale being floored by Number 4," stated Garet.

"Besides that."

"And the death of Alex."

"That too."

"There's also the death of Piers," Sheba chipped in.

"Ah yeah..."

"What about Kraden's death?" asked Ivan.

"Well.... nobody liked him anyway."

"And there's the majority of the villagers who were indoors and drowned in the sudden flooding," Felix reminded him.

"...... they could be replaced."

"You're in denial."

"YOUR FACE IS IN DENIAL!" Isaac laughed hysterically and jumped into the water holding a brick to his chest.

Jenna leaned over to Sheba

"Wanna bet if he comes back up?

"Yeah, sure, why not."

* * *

Yeah..... I always did suck at endings, and beginnings too for that matter.... and for those of you who have read _Parental Issues_, I acknowledge that I have used the same terrible line as an ending twice. Sorry. I tried, I really did. I couldn't stop myself.

Anyway, if anyone was wondering why I was so cruel to Piers, it was because I have recently held a grudge against him. It's because Word thinks he's a plural, therefore resulting in a whole horde of grammatical errors and the like I have to sift through. I'll get over it eventually.

Read and review! Doesn't matter if you liked or hated it. I need to know where I stuffed up. Constructive criticism and all that.


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